Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Performance Enhancing Drugs of Golf

After being verbally abused and physically threatened in regard to my supposed lack of knowledge in the area of performance enhancing drugs, I have spent the past few days consulting a multitude of experts on this particular subject. And although not every expert responded to my earnest appeal for knowledge – Barry Bonds did not return my call and there was somewhat of a language snafu when I tried to contact the entire competitive field of the Tour de Farce – I have managed to assemble an up-to-date, albeit limited, list of performance enhancing drugs that would be beneficial to golfers. These are available in the prescription and the over the counter variety.

And now that I have an above par knowledge on the subject I feel much more confident to pass on the following information that I have uncovered concerning performance enhancing drugs in relation to the game of golf. We here at Eye On Golf have received word that the following substances are about to be banned by all major golf organizations around the world whether they be self-appointed or not.

This substance is similar to beta-blockers but much more easily obtained and apparently much more nutritious. The development of this substance involved collaboration among the Sports Psychologist Association & Society (SPASes), Nava Compromise Putters, and the Peanut Integrated Growers (PIGs). It is readily available in supermarkets, golf shops and nut shops. Unfortunately not available to those with peanut allergies.

This is the designer drug of the golf world. It can be customized for each and every player depending on the distances he or she desire from the tee on that particular day. It is fast acting and thus can be adapted for play on a day-by-day basis. It can be obtained by prescription only. The biggest drawback with Driveroid is that this increased distance carries over to every other club in the bag. A secondary downside is that it must be injected into the buttocks each day of tournament play and therefore eliminates the possibility of sitting down on the job. And, sadly, it does not wear off as quickly as it takes effect.

“Tomato Soup”
This being the slang term for the drug. Ingestion of this substance produces results similar to blood-doping – extreme endurance under the most difficult of physical conditions. This would be most beneficial on physically demanding courses, especially at high altitude, or if one is involved in a 36-hole USGA playoff. It too can be found in supermarkets under the label Campbell Plasma Soup and come primarily in a liquid form.

This is what we have discovered and what was on our mind.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Last Word on Steroids

Now I cannot authenticate this, nor do I have time-tested, scientifically affirmed, statistical facts to prove it, nonetheless, I believe the following to be true: Based on what we observe from other sports – baseball, cycling, wrestling – steroids would probably benefit a professional golfer in certain performance aspects, but certainly not all. However, there are other performance aspects where a regular and healthy dose of performance enhancing drugs, especially steroids, would be extremely detrimental.

Steroids would undoubtedly assist the highly skilled professional add length to his shots. The length of drives would probably increase to the 350-400 yard range. Seven irons would travel 225-250 yards and so on. Length, length, length would be the beneficial result from an active steroid campaign. You get the picture. On the other hand there is a downside to all this additional length – a reduced ability in the short game. I’ve got to believe it would be quite difficult to execute delicate wedge shots when you’re all bulked up from steroid use. And the feel required for the putting green is a similar story.

And I think we could also assume that since performing enhancing drugs assist bicyclists in their never ending search for speed, the same benefit could be applied to golfers. Simply put players would walk faster. Now you would logically conclude that this fact might be interpreted to mean that pace of play would increase. But that might not be true. I don’t believe it has been proven but the consistent use of steroids may in fact reduce one’s ability to think clearly. (Let’s face it; anyone who is mentally deficient enough to believe that such drugs are beneficial is already heading down that path.)

So it should be easy for the PGA Tour to determine who might be likely candidates for drug testing. Those players who average over 300 yards off the tee and have short game stats at the bottom of the lists are likely users. A good secondary gauge is those players whose caddies cannot keep up the pace on the course.