Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Performance Enhancing Drugs of Golf

After being verbally abused and physically threatened in regard to my supposed lack of knowledge in the area of performance enhancing drugs, I have spent the past few days consulting a multitude of experts on this particular subject. And although not every expert responded to my earnest appeal for knowledge – Barry Bonds did not return my call and there was somewhat of a language snafu when I tried to contact the entire competitive field of the Tour de Farce – I have managed to assemble an up-to-date, albeit limited, list of performance enhancing drugs that would be beneficial to golfers. These are available in the prescription and the over the counter variety.

And now that I have an above par knowledge on the subject I feel much more confident to pass on the following information that I have uncovered concerning performance enhancing drugs in relation to the game of golf. We here at Eye On Golf have received word that the following substances are about to be banned by all major golf organizations around the world whether they be self-appointed or not.

Nutter-butter-better-putter
This substance is similar to beta-blockers but much more easily obtained and apparently much more nutritious. The development of this substance involved collaboration among the Sports Psychologist Association & Society (SPASes), Nava Compromise Putters, and the Peanut Integrated Growers (PIGs). It is readily available in supermarkets, golf shops and nut shops. Unfortunately not available to those with peanut allergies.

Driveroid
This is the designer drug of the golf world. It can be customized for each and every player depending on the distances he or she desire from the tee on that particular day. It is fast acting and thus can be adapted for play on a day-by-day basis. It can be obtained by prescription only. The biggest drawback with Driveroid is that this increased distance carries over to every other club in the bag. A secondary downside is that it must be injected into the buttocks each day of tournament play and therefore eliminates the possibility of sitting down on the job. And, sadly, it does not wear off as quickly as it takes effect.

“Tomato Soup”
This being the slang term for the drug. Ingestion of this substance produces results similar to blood-doping – extreme endurance under the most difficult of physical conditions. This would be most beneficial on physically demanding courses, especially at high altitude, or if one is involved in a 36-hole USGA playoff. It too can be found in supermarkets under the label Campbell Plasma Soup and come primarily in a liquid form.

This is what we have discovered and what was on our mind.

2 comments:

Jane said...

Very cute essay. The elephant in the room is that golfers, tennis players, and baseball players are now using homeopathic growth hormone oral spray. It's legal for over the counter sales and is very gentle on the system.

Dave M said...

Jane,

Thanks so much for the "cute" comment. Elephants do like peanut butter especially when they are in the room. As for the human growth hormone, a man of my age and stature is not even tempted in that arena.