The Last Word on Steroids

Now I cannot authenticate this, nor do I have time-tested, scientifically affirmed, statistical facts to prove it, nonetheless, I believe the following to be true: Based on what we observe from other sports – baseball, cycling, wrestling – steroids would probably benefit a professional golfer in certain performance aspects, but certainly not all. However, there are other performance aspects where a regular and healthy dose of performance enhancing drugs, especially steroids, would be extremely detrimental.

Steroids would undoubtedly assist the highly skilled professional add length to his shots. The length of drives would probably increase to the 350-400 yard range. Seven irons would travel 225-250 yards and so on. Length, length, length would be the beneficial result from an active steroid campaign. You get the picture. On the other hand there is a downside to all this additional length – a reduced ability in the short game. I’ve got to believe it would be quite difficult to execute delicate wedge shots when you’re all bulked up from steroid use. And the feel required for the putting green is a similar story.

And I think we could also assume that since performing enhancing drugs assist bicyclists in their never ending search for speed, the same benefit could be applied to golfers. Simply put players would walk faster. Now you would logically conclude that this fact might be interpreted to mean that pace of play would increase. But that might not be true. I don’t believe it has been proven but the consistent use of steroids may in fact reduce one’s ability to think clearly. (Let’s face it; anyone who is mentally deficient enough to believe that such drugs are beneficial is already heading down that path.)

So it should be easy for the PGA Tour to determine who might be likely candidates for drug testing. Those players who average over 300 yards off the tee and have short game stats at the bottom of the lists are likely users. A good secondary gauge is those players whose caddies cannot keep up the pace on the course.